My gf recently had an abortion - she didn't tell me, I found out as I had access to her email. What do I do?
Last week while she was on holidays she asked me to log into her email to forward something to another colleague – based on my state of mind I decided to have a look, and it didn’t take long to confirm that she had an abortion.
So what do I do know that I have found out by abusing her privacy? Also I’m not sure if the baby was mine or from something that happened in the UK. I really need to know
Answer:
First of all.. shame on you for snooping around in her personal email... Second of all. Her body. Her choice.. Might as well break it off now.. you can't trust her.. and she can't trust you.
you do nothing, if you arent married you have no right to tell her what to do with her body, you should just keep your mouth shut and if you dont like the situation break up with her.
dump the murdering ****!
Apologize for snooping, but let her know what you read. Tell her that things haven't felt normal for a while and tell her that if you are to remain together, you demand complete honesty from her.
Just break thing off, you can tell her you no longer trust her (don't have to give a reason) get her out of your life she either cheated on you in the UK or KILLED your baby!
As the Father of the baby, you need to talk to her about this. She gave you permission for a reason, she is probably wanting to tell you about it. You have every right to know, especially because it could be your baby too!!!
You really can't do much now. You could confront her & ask if the child was yours but then she'd know you were reading her private emails .
Just admit what u found and ask her for the truth!
Just be honest and confront her about it...there is nothing you can do now that you have violated her privacy...might as well be honest
Thank your lucky stars she made the right choice. If you think she betrayed you, then maybe she had a reason to, knowing you'd try to prevent her desperate actions. If you think she's simply focused on her goals and can't have a baby now, then stay with her. You can confront her now because she gave you fair access and surely she wanted you to know but for some reason couldn't talk to you about it. Abortion is a terrible thing, but the alternative is worse, and it's up to the woman to decide, because it's not enough to exist, you have to be wanted. Also, from now on, use a condom!
sometimes you just have to let it go.absolutely nothing you can do about it...for some reason...she does not want to share that info with you..life is a balance between holding on and letting go.the letting go is the hardest but it is necessary for people to move on I'm sorry for your hurt
i know it probably hurts for you to know that. but its for the best. its just shes not ready for it. and you just gotta know that its her body...
You mean Austin, TX? That's where I'm from. First of all, you just need to come out and tell her how you found out. Be straight with her, since you're expecting the same from her. After she gets over the shock of you reading her email, you can start talking to her about why she felt the ned to shoulder all of this herself. Is the baby yours? Was she scared you'd not want to be with her anymore? Is she so unwilling to share such an important thing with you that she'd risk keeping it a secret from the person who's supposed to be the closest one to her in the world? You need to sit down with her seriously and talk about this; thoughts, feelings, your relationship, and your future together--things a typical guy cringes about. Just take a deep breath and come clean with her. I hope you get the answers you need. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
If she didn't tell you, that means she doesn't want you to know this. So I think it'd be better if you do nothing.
I'm sorry you found out in such a horrible way. There is nothing you can do now. It seems as if she didn't want you to know so don't confront her, there is no point. "Basically no longer together" means it is time to move on. Don't torture yourself. What difference would it make if she told you anyway? You can't bring the baby back.
well i must say that none of this would be troubling you if you hadnt snooped around, but confront her-seriously-and apologize for snooping,because she will turn the topic onto her privacy with out a doubt. but apologize upfront.
wow i would say confront her reguardless... you guys are pretty much not together anymore which is what you said right? so i wouldnt worry toom uch aboutt he invading her privacy... you had the right to know if it was yours and she should be a ittle less selfish... and if it wasnt you had the right to know as well so you arent having sex with her and the guy she was doing behind your back... you dont wanna catch anything... so, if she isnt straight up with you go to the doctor for your health to make sure you dont have anything she may have given you... sorry if it was your and you didnt even get the option to decide on her keeping it or not being included in her decision... good luck
Thanks for the answers so far guys - keep them coming.
I've logged in under another name to add some more info (apologies if this is against protocol). It may help if I add some timelines.
Girlfriend away - 1st Sept through to 1st October
Discovers pregnancy - around 11th October - so between 2 and 6 weeks after she got to the UK.
Aborts Pregnancy - 27th October (I month ago today)
I found out - 23rd November.
I'm not trying to shirk responsibility - if it was mine then I would have done whatever was required - I agree it is ultimately her choice so if she wanted to terminate the pregnancy I would have supported her 100%. The strange thing is out of no-where she used to blurt out "I want a baby!" She is almost 30 and told me she wanted to have a family sooner rather than later.
I agree that it wasn't the right thing to check her email, however my state of mind got the better of me - not trying to justify what I did was right though. Also I mentioned that she has basically called things off between us.
Also as it was her work email that I check (as I said, we work together) there are possible repurcussions - she could kick up a stink (justifiably so) and I could probably get fired. Right now I don't care if this happens. It further complicates things that we work together as I have to see her every day.
And as a footnote, she told our boss and he tooked the day off work to take her to the clinic and wait with her (as I would have done had I known). So I am in the position that my boss might know that I had a child aborted, and I don't. TO my knowledge our boss doesn't know we were an item.
Anyway any advice would be greatly appeciated. I have been through hell in the last few days (as I'm sure my girlfriend has as well since she found out), I'm just need to know what I should do.
Cheers.
PS I meant Aus as in Australia - I have posted the same question there but thought I would get more responses here.
PPS - FWIW worth we always used a condom - but yes they are not foolproof. There was one time when there may have been an accident, but she took the morning after pill straight away (she refused to let me help pay for it), and also I can confirm that she had a period after this incident.
PPPS - the email was to a female friend back in the UK, she didn't say much in the letter except "I've decided not to have it" because "an unhappy mum can only lead to an unhappy child". I think she told of few of her female friends at home.
Its a difficult one mate... But if it was me i would mention it to her as its not if you were snooping in her things, she asked you to forward something on in her email and that caught your eye. If it was me it would be in the back of my mind wondering why she didnt tell me etc. like does she really love me, is it because she is not ready for kids, was it somebody elses and just does not want to hurt you etc. Without finding the answers it might end up bugging you till the point it might only come out in an argument... So i would say ask her in a nice way to find out... Good luck mate.
well you cant change what has happened but if i was you i would sit down and speak about it
When a pregnancy is terminated suddenly, on purpose or accidently, the womans body and mind undergo extreme changes which can really upset emotions. If you decide to ask her then please try to be totally nonjudgmental as she will be feeling very fragile and often there is some guilt involved. You could simply say you had your doubts and the email confirmed it. Perhaps you could show her your question and theanswers you get might start a dialogue. You must be feeling dreadful so best wishes with resolving your problem
You don't need to know. Why would you? Really. It was her choice, so just let it be. Your girlfriend obviously didn't want to tell you for one reason or another.
You have two choices now, choose to save your relationship and tell your girlfriend what you read and that you are a horrible person for invading her privacy like that. Work on your relationship and trust with your girlfriend.
OR
Move one. Get over it. She had the abortion not you. You don't need to know. You didn't lose anything. For you, the pregnancy didn't even exist. Lose the relationship because the issues of trust and your lack of respect for your girlfriend are too much. Find yourself a new girl and work on a real relationship based on trust, love, understanding and mutual respect.
You do nothing because it is absolutely none of your business. It is her body and she made the decision. If you don't trust her anymore then break up with her.
not careing wether this is to frank or not il say your girls lied and murdered ask if theres some terminal deseas shey needed to do it to be free of or was raped and when you get looked at like youv 10 heads id hope you see her in the rear view mirror as you leave sutch selflessness as hers will not change but it will lern to hide better in a nut shell ...run
hey bro WAKE UP.This only show that she is not the right woman for you. I'll give 2 reasons why. 1. She did not consult you regarding her decision."THIS IS A CLEAR MANIFESTATION THAT SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU.(she even told it FIRST to someone else, and NOT YOU). 2.Do you think she will be a better wife when you get married. How many BABIES will she abort when your married. START THINKING BRO. Time will come she might not get another one.
Hello Pablohors, You will do nothing. You shouldn't have done what you did. You didn't do what she asked you to do.There is a privacy law. If she wants to tell you,she will. So just drop the whole thing, and play stupid.
Clowmy
Be honest with her and tell her that you have found out about the abortion. Although it's her body and her choice it was probably a hard thing for her to do. Do you think though on some level she may have wanted you to find out and that's why she asked you to access her e-mail for her. Maybe this is the only way that she could tell you. Even so you should still talk to her about it but tread carefully and don't push her. Give her time. What ever you decide to do I hope it goes ok for both of you!
i think shes the one feeling guilty otherwise before she left she would have wiped her emails.i think shes put the distance between you so its easier to let you know.id sure know if id left info like that around she wanted you to find it.what you do next is up to you no one can tell you,but you are aware she decieved you and hide the facts from you do you really want someone like that.
You cant change the past, the fact that she did not want you to hould tell you something, sit down with her and talk it through all cards on the table after all you got nothing to loose, trust is now lost is what you got left worth working on ? only you both can decide, listen to her reasons tell your own thoughts if it is not right for you then move on, hope you find what you need to be happy.
I don't think you should be beating yourself up for looking in her emails...sounds to me like she may, perhaps unconsciously, have wanted you to know what had happened but didn't want to have to tell you directly. Otherwise, she would have wiped the emails. If I'd something I didn't want someone to see in my email caddy, I most definitely would not ask them to go in check my email account, under any circumstances, because human beings are curious. Especially ones we are in relationship with and maybe things aren't going too great. As for what you do, it is up to you...you know the relationship better than anyone else. All the best anyhow.
Tell her what you know, and ask her whatever you need to know to put closure to this. There have been too many lies between you already. I am sorry for everyone involved, especially your unborn child.
just another day in the lives of the sexually irresponsible...
I'm pro-choice. If you choose to engage in risky behavior, you (by default) choose to accept the consequences.
Find a moral compass and make intelligent choices in the future.
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