How can I give encouragement to one child and not make him feel compared to his one year younger sister?
Answer:
I understand. I have this problem with my 7 yr old and 5 yr old daughters. My seven year old Joelle is in 1st grade, my 5 yr old Addisyn is in kindergarten. My seven year old has problems with reading. she will ask me how to spell or pronounce a word... and my five year old will pipe in with the correct answer before I can. My 7 yr old daughter got very upset about this... as she is a softie too! What I did was sit down with my 5 yr old and told her that it was great that she could help out her big sister with her homework BUT when Joelle asks for mommy's help.. Please let mommy answer, not Addisyn. I then sat down with Joelle and talked to her about it. She did tell me that it upsets her that Addisyn knows how to do some of these things... but I pointed out Her better qualities. such as... she is great at sports, while her little sister is too young to participate yet! I also let her stay up a half an hour later than her little sister to give her some one on one time with me and we read stories together when I know I can help her with out being disrupted. Hopefully this may give you some ideas! GOOD LUCK!
Well, first off, you said, "They wanted to move her up a grade in school but I wouldn't allow it because it is harder for him and I didn't want that for comparison as well." Is this what is best for *her* as well? Because if she is bright enough that she would be better suited to going up a grade, is it going to harm her to stay where she is? Many times kids who are gifted will "shut down" and tune school out or become trouble makers if they aren't challenged. Is holding her back when the school thinks she could move forward going to end up being a bad thing for her?
Then..
Simply don't compare them. (And try to make sure that people at school don't compare them either.) Don't say things like, "I know this comes easily to Julie and it's harder for you." Instead, just talk to him about how he is doing. Give him specific comments, compliments and feedback on his work. Stress that putting forth his best effort is what is the most important. He should be proud of any grade he gets as long as he knows he worked his hardest and did his best work to earn it. Praise him for his strengths.
Just keep praising him on what he does excel at a lot. Then sit down and help him in the area's that he struggles in. Explain to him that it is OK if he finds it difficult and let him know that he is not the only one and some people get it faster than others, but he will too soon understand. Give him extra tutoring after school if you can, and anytime he comes with a good grade make a big deal out of it. Never compare him to his sister and let him know everyone is different and that is OK. If your daughter excels in school, it is also not fair to hold her back either, so if she does good in school you should also support her, even if she does skip a grade. They are 2 different children and both should be treated as individuals and you should embrace whatever they are good at. If she is good at school, show her that you are also proud of her and support her. If your son is better at sports or something else make a big deal about that for him. Then you can tell him that he is better at other things, and that will be something that he can be proud of, and that will ease the pressure at school.
Help him with his schoolwork any way you can. If he comes home with tough homework, help him out. If he ever says something about, "Thanks for helping me, mommy, I'm getting it better now," praise him for it. When he gets a good grade on a homework assignment or a test, praise him for it. Suggest that he go to tutoring if he is having problems. Buy him something, such as candy, if he brings a C- up to a B. Those are just a few things I would do if I was in your situation.
I wouldn't discourage your daughter advancing because of the feeling of your son. Just remain positive with him. Children learn that people are good at some things and not so good at others. While it may be difficult for him at times, you cannot really take away the issue, only bury it. In the mean time you don't want your daughter to feel guilty for having a gift. If you have the means you might consider moving one of the children to a different school if you can do that.
Tough question. My boys were two years apart and completely opposite and were constantly compared in school & sports. I went out of my way to make sure nobody would compare them, but you know what ---- my second son has now told me that he has always felt 'compared' to his brother (they are now 32 & 30!!). So, I don't think there is a perfect answer here, just do your best and say a few prayers. You might have better luck because they are different sexes. Just make sure you never say anything like 'do it like Susie'.
You have to treat each of them as individuals. Encourage your daughter to continue to do a good job. Tell your son that he is doing good, but he can do better, HELP him all you can. Encouraging his sister isn't going to upset him, ask him to encourage her too. Maybe even ask her to help him. Final line, Everyone is different and they all need different things, don't keep something away from one because it doesn't benefit the other!
if he loves his little sis then he should encourage her to move up. moving up a grade makes her look good for schools.(middle,high,and maybee even college...) if she gets chances like that u should acept it if ur little girl agrees to move up. does she? ur boy is smart also. but ur girl is just an over achiever. he's only in elementary. its ok to struggle. little kids dont think alot as much as middle and high schoolers. i didnt do good in elementary school but when i went up to middle school, it was just plain easy. now high school is hard. considering all these ap courses that are so hard! dont compare ur boy with ur girl. shes too much to compare to him.but tell ur boy that hes smart and he'll suceed in life.=)
Acknowledge his effort. Everyone has different things that come easily. Make time to do the things he excels at. Have him "teach" you how to do something he does well. If his confidence increases, it will show in his academics also. And please evaluate you daughters education by what is best for her, she needs to be allowed to thrive also.
This is really easy, do not compare her to him. There that's it.
What do I mean? Tell him Son, you are so smart at [insert class here]. Son, you are so good at [insert talent here].
I don't understand how this is comparing the two at all. I also don't understand why you wouldn't let your daughter move forward. You are literally holding her back because her brother's feelings might get hurt? He probably already knows they want to move her ahead, in fact if they were in the same grade they could do homework together and that would encourage him too. I can't understand holding one back to protect the other. It's not right, children should be allowed to advance, are you going to tell her not to get good grades because it might upset her brother? Of course not! You are the one doing the comparing not them.
I have 2 children and it does seem like they are always on the lookout for whether you are favoring one or the other. If I hug one, the other one will say "why don't you hug me?" This can drive me crazy. They are both very different as well. I look for the things that make each of them special. I tell them that each one of them is special in their own way and then I go on to explain to them what these things are. I tell each child seperately when the others not around. I also would tell him that she might find some things easier (like school work) but that he has things that are easier for him.(look for these - maybe he's better at sports, art, singing, dance, compassion)
I am glad that you are sensitive to this. When I was a child my older brother was very advanced in school and skipped a grade. Everyone always fawned over him, my mother especially was always telling people how he aced this test, or is the top of his class. I wasn't as fortunate and nothing was every said about my abilities. Try at every turn to encourage and point out the positives of your son. Good Luck!
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