My 11 yr old daughter told me her stepmother removed her bedroom door...?
Then the last time my daughter went to their house she said that her stepmother removed the door completely.
I have always told my daughter to respect the rules of her father's house and to be respectful of her stepmother even if they disagree, but I disagree with this. There is no talking to her dad because he doesn't know how to compromise or even listen to me OR my daughter when we approach him with a concern.
When my daughter is home with me she does not spend her time locked in her room but she is at an age now where she needs a bit more privacy. Is this right?
Answer:
I have to wonder if the "office" has a computer with Internet access in it, which may explain some. I experienced this same situation (only my ex did it as punishment) where the door was removed from my son's room at age 16 and his mother was living with her lesbian lover. I thought it was very inappropriate. You and she have to make the best of it, she needs to change in the bathroom. My son eventually choose to move in with me, and has not had contact (many reasons other than this) with his mother(she doesn't try to contact him either, it makes me sad) in 8 years. You have to stay positive and teach her how to handle difficult situations, until she reaches the age when she will tell her father that she won't stay overnight under these conditions. It must come from her, not you.
Is it right?.you and I think not...no one said life would be "right" or "fair"
everybody needs privacy no matter the age
yes, get her away from the stepmom and dad they sound evil. and u sound normal. get her away from them
yes
Depends on the REASON she removed the door. It sucks that she doesn't have a room for your daughter when she goes there though! I believe there is a message there.
She should have a door. That is absurd! If she cant have a door, then she shouldn't be sleeping there.
I dont see why she would feel the need to take the door off. I mean whats the purpose?? Yes your daughter needs her privacy. I would talk to her stepmother directly. You can be nice about it and express your concerns.
You are definitely right. Maybe a church member or school counselor could intervene.
Yes...she does need privacy. And step-mom sounds like she has a bug up her ***. Look at it this way...if it's annoying enough to your daughter, it's not as though she HAS to go to dad's, is it?? Maybe a lack of visits would make Dad's light-bulb go on!
I definitely do not think this is right. However, her father has the legal right to see her and also has the right to set whatever rules he wants to in his home. Just as long as he isn't abusing her or doing anything criminal.
Have you tried speaking with the stepmother just one on one? Maybe if you ask her why she's doing it, it might help gain some perspective on the situation. Also, it might help her to see that what she is doing isn't right. Sorry I can't be of more help.
I agree that is totally un called for. I bet the reason the step-mom did this was so she could make sure your daughter didn't get into any of her stuff now that it is an office. But really I don't think she had any right to change the room to an office if your daughter goes there often. I would try talking to the step-mom if you two have at least a speaking relationship.
well it is there house you really cant say anything my daughter doesnt like going to her dad too so she doesnt go anymore he just comes and take her out dont worry as long as she feels good with you thats what matters
step mother suck
You're right. Your daughter deserves a bit of privacy. I think your only choice is to confront her father about it. He needs to understand that his little girl is becoming a young lady and is at the age where she appreciates her alone time. Explain to him that she has complained about this and see where that gets you.
Also, what the heck are they doing turning her bedroom into an office anyway? Way to totally make your daughter feel unwelcomed. *sigh* ...some people!
I dunno. How about telling her to change in the bathroom? It sounds like a legitimate reason to remove a door. A home office doesn't necessarily have a door on it.
She sounds like an evil stepmom, though ;)
It sounds a little extreme but I don't know that there's anything you can legally do about it. And if the father won't help, she might just have to learn to deal with it. If she's not there all the time and they have another use in mind for that room, it might seem normal to them. It's nice to be able to get away for quiet time, but anything that requires actual privacy (i.e. changing clothes) can actually be done in the bathroom if needed. Talk to the father and see what you can do, but prepare your daughter for the fact that she just might need to adapt.
i agree, she should respect the rules of her father and step mother's home and should just deal with it. my father was similar when i was younger. it took some getting used to, but eventually we slowly stopped going to visit my dad and he got the message that his new wife was being unreasonable and things got better. good luck!!
I'm not sure I understand the situation. Did the step-mother remove the door because she doesn't want your daughter closing it, or because she thinks it's better for her office?
If it's the latter, perhaps you can compromise by putting up a curtain on a tension rod when your daughter is there. If its the former, then it sounds like there is a big issue and you need to FORCE your ex to get involved.
Your daughter is entitle to privacy,Tell her father that unless he replaces the door your daughter will not be staying over,if he disagrees let social services deal with the matter.
This is your child. You should always step in if you feel it is necessary. My opinion on this:
This step-mother of hers should not be doing such a manipulative thing to YOUR daughter. Your child is a young adult now and deserves privacy.
Try talking to the step-mother, or arrange an over-the-phone solution.
She can have privacy changing in the bathroom. I would say kids need privacy on an on going basis. But your talking just visitation here. If its only for a weekend here and there (every other). I would not sweat it. You said yourself you can not change it and can not talk to these people. I am sorry your daughter is dealing with this. Nothing worse then the evil Step Monster. But it is her house and nothing by law requires that they have a separate bedroom for your daughter for her visits. Only that she has somewhere to sleep.
I would double check with social services or your lawyer with this one.
she needs at that age some privacy (we all do at any age for that matter)
the stepmother has issues, and the father needs to support you in this. (my opinion of course)
does your daughter have her own attorney? you may approach that with them. I bet the door goes back up!!
I sense something fishy. Don't go there unless there is a door for your daughter's room.
It seems to me that the Stepmother is trying to phase out your daughter from their lives all together.
Something most definitly needs to be said to the stepmother, she is acting like your daughter is not an important part of there lives. I am divorced and my daughter goes to her dad's and if they do something or they let her do something Idon't approve of then I make sure I speak my mind to her father and her fathers girlfried. Your ex needs to be a better father and listen to the needs of his daughter and respect that she needs her privacy. His daughter comes before any woman and he is not being fair and if he doesn't listen then talk to the stepmother. Voice your opinion at all times. Good Luck to you and your daughter.
She is inhumane. Everybody needs privacy. Tell her to remove her door to her bedroom also.
It is too bad that there isn't a stable relationship between you and her father & wife for communication. With everything you've said it sounds as if the step-mother doesn't trust your daughter to be in the new office alone.
I would first establish that there is no reason for that line of thinking and then I would make it clear that you do not appreciate this development. If they are unwilling to compromise then perhaps your daughter should only have day time visits rather than staying the night.
I agree that your daughter should respect her father's wife and household but they need to have a little more respect for your daughter.
But before all of this, make sure there isn't a reason or misunderstanding as to why they feel the need to remove the door.
Yes she does need her privacy, but has she violated her privacy rights by doing things behind the closed door she should not? We need to hear the other side of the story, please. Mothers do have a tendency to be unfair at times too, especially toward step-mothers.
First there must be a reason shes not allowed to close the door. Is there something she isn't telling you? Did she do something to warrant suspicion on the stepmothers part? Maybe getting on her computer or something that she was told not to do? Just playing devils advocate here...I can't understand the logic behind it unless she did something to raise suspicion. Maybe there is a valid reason that you are unaware of. Can you speak to the stepmother? If she is going to be around you have to be able to communicate with her as she is responsible for the welfare of your child. Regardless of what your personal feelings may be towards each other. Be above that.
I also would think that your husband would have to provide a room for your daughter that is a designated bedroom. I know my boyfreind had to kick out his roomate because his ex wifes lawyer threatened to take him to court because of it. They had joint custody though and i dont know what your requirements may be. Depends on how much time she spends there. I agree that at her age privacy is important but if she is not respecting the rules the punishment may be warranted.
Per your story, I see know justifiable reason why your child's step-mom did this. I think it is very self-serving of her not to allow a "tween" her privacy. There sounds like no real justification as to why she is doing this.
You should speak with her and try to appeal to her woman to woman, mother to mother. If you feel that your child is not well treated or respected at her dad's house than maybe her dad needs to spend time with her at your place. When he asks why, let him know that your daughter has no privacy and no voice at his place. When she is allowed to feel comfortable she can return.
Ultimately, you are the child's mother and primary care-giver, and it is your responsibility make sure your daughter is safe, and well taken care of.
Good Luck to you with this issue. Try the diplomatic approach first and go from there.
Is your daughter telling you the whole truthful story?
If it was being done as a punishment tactic, then I don't see a problem with it.
Was it done because they wanted the office door removed, and it just happens to be her "bedroom" when she's there?
Or it is being done out of spite (which it sounds like) Then while it may be legal, it's disrespectful and certainly isn't helping the relationship between the stepmother and your daughter.
It also sounds like the dad needs to step up and be a father instead of letting the stepmother make all the rules.
Have you tried talking to the dad and stepmother about this?
I'm assuming you have a court order for visitation rights between you and her father, maybe bring this up with your lawyer.
If your daughter isn't feeling comfortable and respected their, maybe she can speak with the lawyer (or judge) to have things changed. It might even help to mention that they don't even have a room available for her when she does visit.
Just some random thoughts, hope you get a peaceful resolution.
Wow that's just wrong... to not allow her to even have a bedroom to begin with! It's a freaking office! Is that REALLY how you should treat a step-daughter? or any daughter? NO. It's not right in any way. And neither is taking the door completely off. We all need our privacy and to be alone to ourselves sometimes. It's normal to want that. I know I'd go to my room if I had a bad day- my room was me... it made me feel comfortable. How in the world is she supposed to be comfortable in an office for a room with no door?
I'd personally have a chat with both your ex and the stepmother. Be nice about the situation, but let them know this is not the kind of atmosphere she should have when she is there. She should be treated like a human being and if they truly cared for her, they wouldn't do this. This may or may not be resolved, but I'd try your best to do something. Not sure if there is anything you could do legally... maybe try to do some searching?
Goodluck, this poor girl is never going to feel like herself when she's with her dad... she'll grow to really appreciate you as you are a good mother and concerned for her best interests.
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