12 yr old daughter and habitual lying?
Answer:
My son was like that, I ignored everything he ever told me. And would not listen. One day what he told me was not a lie but because he also did I would not listen. When I heard the same thing from another child, I asked him why "Didn't you tell me" he said I tried to and you would not listen. I told him because you lie so much it is hard to figure out what is truth and what is not.
He thought about this and never told me a fib or a lie again. He was 14 by then.
I never beleived in giving my kids a lot of things {tv, steros, etc.} they had a clock radio and that was it. They never got whipped or spanked and they turned out fine. I raised them after their father died. I managed very well.
She is probably doing it to be a stick in the mud. Try telling her that it really bothers you. Or stage a plot to prove to her that lying is hurtful. For example, leave her a note that says, "We went to the store we should be back in 20 minutes." Be really really late and if she trys to repeatedly call you then don't answer the phone for a really long time. Finally show up at home and have her be the "worried parent." It might teach her a lesson. Otherwise give her plenty of restrictions and rules and if you know she is lying let her get away with it if it is something harmless. Or start having a family night that is all about FUN. That way you can all bond and she might stop lying and start confiding. (game night, etc.) Or get her interested in theater
Wash her mouth out with soap everytime she lies.
Wow. Well, sometimes it takes a while what your doing to work. Keep on doing what you've been doing--only exclude the silent treatment, it'll probably just make her angrier. Don't give up, I'll be praying for y'all.
What is she lying about? What is she hiding from you, try reasoning with her, and stick to whatever it is you do for punishment no matter how long she has to go without TV or sports. What makes you so sure she is actually lying, have you caught her? Try setting up a video or tape recorder to catch her in her lies then confront her with it. Tell what an impact it could have on her future. Good Luck
You dont want to give up on her, Try taking EVERYTHING away from her, and i really mean everything the TV,music,video games, telephone, toys, notebooks EVERYTHING only let her do homework. No friends over, no sports no nothing. NEVER leave her home alone, Never give into her, Keep all of her things away from her until she can make an effort to change herself. Let her know you have had enough and you will keep all of her things until she can change. Dont give her money, dont let her spend time with friends or talk on the phone. Just watch over her at all times. She will get bored and want to change. Shes only 12, Spank her try that she wont like that. And when she lies try putting a tiny drop of soap in her mouth. Eventually she will get your point.BE AS STUBBORN AS SHE IS BEING!!!
Has the silent treatment worked?
Give her extra chores or make her write "I will not lie" 100 times everytime she lies.
With mine when everything else failed a spanking usually worked,
I always use it as a last resort.
Well I would ground her from all things no phone, computer or going out with friends until further notice. The penalty there is not knowing when the punishment will end. Also take everything out of her room except the bed..she will figure it out soon enough.. It will get worse before it gets better she is going to hate you guys until she is out of those rough teenage years...it does gets better I promise. The key is consistency with your discipline. I wish your family the best. Good Luck
I'm am going to offer a counter point of view. Lying is always driven by fear of punishment, disappointment, rejection, etc. When you catch someone lying and punish them for doing so, it tends to make the problem worse. Punishment increases their level of anxiety and fear, making the use of deception all the more likely. This is not a rational decision, rather it is driven by one's emotions. So, punishing your daughter or even talking to her is probably not going to solve the problem. In fact, when you punish someone for lying, typically the outcome is that people learn to lie more effectively. There are things you can do to get your daughter to be more honest - but it requires a lot of patience and work. Basically, you have to take steps to reduce her fear about telling the truth. It's more than I can outline here... but take a look if you like: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/get_o...
There seems to be a reason she's LOOKING for attention...she's starting to go through puberty and getting any attention...good or bad...be damned the punishment!! You have got yourself ONE STUBBORN girl there!! I know this isn't the MATURE parental thing to do...but I'd start lying right back! About things that are important to her...We're going out for pizza..then when dinner time rolls around...Opps!! Sorry..we lied!!
Is there a problem at home?! SOmetimes they tend to do this kind of thing when the parents fight all the time..or aren't together...Does she have siblings?! You've got so many things this can be..lack of feeling love..cause there are other kids, if she's the ONLY child...spoiled rotten...See..there's a reason a child acts that way...you just have to start picking at the bones to see where it starts..
dont do it ! why to pull her off something good for her? dont you want her to be better? you are not punishing her with that you are making her furious! people lie when they feel presiour they can handle and because they feeling safer behind the lies ! for exapmle sometimes it is the feeling that parents make when they yell and punish makes her feeli miserable and thats why she needs to lie about beeing better. i lied a lot and my parents find a physiatrist on the net and i talked to her and she helped me a lot ! write me for her email if you like !
I'm glad to see you are a smart enough parent to see a problem!! I am a homeschooling mom and lying is something I will not take one bit. I lied nonstop as a child & teen and must say I did it great. I grew up in a home where my mom lied a lot too.
I will not take lying in house no ifs ands or buts about it! My kids know this too. But wouldn't know the we have a little one in our home! lol My 7yr old daughter has a bad habit of lying and working to stop it with our help. Here are some things we doing:
1. We talked to her about it this till we are blue in the face, but one thing I think that has gotten to was when I told her that her lying has turned Mommy into a lier too. How? When lied and told us when she fell off her bed and that is how she busted her head open (Long story there!) that when I told the dr's that was how it happened that I too lied to the dr's. I told her I didn't like it. When we finally got the truth out of her (She climbed on her dressed then fell off) we ofcourse talked to her and then praised her for the truth.
My point is: Tell your daughter when she lies and others repeat that lie that she is making liers out of them too.
2. In the past for lying we have gone to the point of taking EVERYTHING out of her room except her bed & dresser. She must earn the rest back. We did let her keep her doll she sleeps with though. Maybe this will work with your daughter. Tell her you have had enough of this lying.
3. Let her know you don't trust her because of this lying. I feel like an awful parent when I tell my 7yr old daughter that I can't trust her but it is the truth. She will see me question her younger brother because I don't believe her. When she whines at why I don't believe her I told her that she has lied to me to the point where I just can't believe her. She has to earn my trust back.
4. I have gone the point also of telling my 7yr old daughter why I hate lies. I tell her how it felt not able to trust my own mom who lied a lot when I was little. I asked her if she wants her kids to feel this way, not able to trust their own mom. That seemed to hit something inside my little girl.
I am proud to say that yesterday my daughter lied to me, I knew she was lying and told her that and she very quickly told the truth. In the past she just kept lying that she didn't lying. I gave her a lot of praise for that and told my husband about it too. He too as glad she told the truth. She did get punished for the lie but now as bad as it would have been if she didn't lie.
PLEASE don't throw your hands up and give up. Has your daughter seen the movie "LIar Liar" with Jim Carrey. Maybe that may make an impact on your daughter. It is a very funny movie but also shows how lying hurts others.
One other thing that has helped my 7yr old daughter is the fact that we use a program called "My Reward Board". It is a chore program, but so much. One of my 7yr old's goal is to "Be Honest". She was upset 2wks ago that her "Points" she earned were so much lower than her brother & sister. I printed out her chart and showed her that she had lost a lot because she lied and didn't obey a lot that week. She did a lot better this past week and was proud of herself for finishing her goal.
Good luck I am so sorry this so long! I hope I have been some help.
ok ,basicly the main reason for lying is teh pressure[cause they are afraid that if teh person finds out then bad things would happen like not bing frinds anymore,sevire punishment or any thing liek that.]so try talking 2 her and tell what she s doing is wrong and that there is no pressusre when you or anybody else aasks u a quistion and tell her teh cunaquisis of her lying and her cunaqwises if she keeps doing that[droping out ,geting fired ,and getting arested[if so with gov or cops when quistinging]so thats why u shoudnt.
Sounds to me as if you've been parenting backwards. You give things to your child as "rights" then take them away for punishment, I've never seen that ever work, even in my own growing up. What worked for me has worked for those of my friends who did the same thing...positive behavior rewards. Instead of television, videos, video games, computer, extra cirricular activities being handed to the child just "because" they should be earned as priveliges for positive behavior. Worked wonders in my home. Started during "the terrible twos" when she would spend an entire day behaving (minor infractions allowed), she would get to watch a favorite video or television program. As she got older she was allowed an hours worth of video game time or television/vidoe. When she was in highschool an hour of computer time was added, but she was not allowed a television or computer or game system in her room and was only allowed an hour on them per day. She was taught that if she wanted such things in her room she would have to pay for them herself. She started babysitting at age 12 and the parents loved her because of her respectfulness and positive attitude, she even used the positive behavior method with the kids she babysat and most of the parents she babysat for adopted the method as well. At 16 SHE purchased her televsion AND game system, with her own money and has since chipped in on the cable bill. At 18 SHE purchased her own computer system again with her own money and as since paid for half of the internet bill. BTW She DOES have her black belt in Eagle Claw Kung Fu, albeit only a 2nd degree because she had an accident just prior to her testing for her third degree and had to give it up. She was also in dance for 5 years, the Girl Scouts for eight years, in the International club in highschool as well as school plays and musical events and is now pulling a 4.0 grade point average her 2nd year of college. We never had to take anything away from her, never "grounded" her, never spanked her, never had her in counseling. And over this past election period she was being "courted" by the city council to throw her hat into the ring for a vacated seat...and she's not even 21 years old...I would deffinately have to say that your parenting "method" has failed miserably...too bad the counselor working with your daughter couldn't have told you the same thing. That's pretty much a no brainer.
I agree for every lie she tells take on thing away, untill she stops lying start with the electronics. Obviously don't take what she needs for school away. Don't let her go with friends, or stay home alone. The only thing she has to have in her room is bed in dresser even if you take everything else out, then make her earn it back one item at a time.
Tad S is the one to listen to. I know, I have had the same problem as you, I did the same as you and punished my son every time he lied to me. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. HE IS NOW AN HABITUAL LIAR. Children's lying is based on fear. The punishments you are giving out will only reinforce that fear and make her lie more to avoid them. You can read all about it on the internet - I did but learned about it too late. The damage was already done!
You can change this with patience and understanding. She still needs to know that you know shes lying but in a quiet "I don't think that is the truth" format rather than confrontation. She needs to understand that it is OK to tell the truth, that she won't get in trouble when she does - that is what she is lying to avoid.
Don't turn your back on her, let her know she is loved and can talk to you however hard it gets! Always keep the door open.
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