How can I be more firm with our daughter?
Answer:
I think you need to get on the same page as your husband. You said he carries the respect around the house, why? because he loves his daughter and is not afraid to give her the tough love as well (spanking).
You sound like a loving mom, your daughter loves you too, but you only have one side (the loving side). To be a complete parent you need to work on your stern side. You need to support your husband when he lays down the law with her, if she has earned a spanking, you must be side by side with him to show your daughter that you support the decision that has been made and help stress that these behaviors need to stop. OK get ready. You also need to be doing some of the spankings your self. Your daughter is 8, you still have a chance to establish your authority before it's to late. I would say get together with your husband and work on a plan for your daughter, come up with some core rules which can NEVER be broken, if they are then a spanking is the result.
As for the spanking, If you don't make is a bad experience don't bother doing them. I would say make sure to pull down pants and panties, place them over your laps, and give them at least a dozen or more good sharp stinging spanks to the bottom. It's OK for children to be crying hard after a good spanking, that's the way it's suppose to be. You don't need a paddle, we don't use one, that's just not our choice, I would start with just using your hand
Good parenting means backing each other up, not undermining each other. If you know that your husband would spank her for a certain behavior, then you should back up his word and do it your self. Never wait until he comes home. Don't let your daughter divide you, show her a united front, she will learn what strong family values are all about.
Good Luck
makes her issues a family affair. have a family meeting at dinner and talk about what's going on. she is old enough to kno the diff.
The word is no. Try saying it. No. NO. NO! When she asks for something, tell her no. If she tries to plead with you, send her to her room or leave the room on her. If she still tries to whine her way into a yes, start taking her favorite toys away. You trained her to do this. Its up to you to fix it. Until you grow a backbone around her, she'll keep it doing this. Your husband has every right to be irritated with your behavior. You are not her friend, you are her Parent!
I cannot believe you'ld even consider telling a 8 year old she could have make-up. Support your husband. Quit undermining him!
just say "no" - let her pitch a fit, how would that hurt you?
p.s. at least you have taken the first step to resolving this by realizing it is you that has the problem, instead of your daughter
Definately watch "Nanny 911" or "SuperNanny" if your TV station broadcasts it.
Your last line answered the question. Apparently the only disciplinarian in the family is your husband. And she know to obey him or she will get a spanking.
I would tell her you are a united front. If she breaks rules (including whining--and especially calling names) whe is going to get a spanking from you. And then consistently give it. You will not have to do it all that many times for her to get the message.
And why in god's name do you not want her to get a spanking--that is something that obviously works with her. But forget the "I'm going to tell your father" stuff. Empower yourself as a parent!
You get to eye level with your little girl when she is asking you and trying to manipulate you, and you hold her shoulder and you say to her "that is enough, i have said no, your father has said no, the awnser is no" and she will probably have a fit. But pick her up and put her in her room and dont stop there...tell her to clean her room and she cant come out until she does. Give her an incentive to clean her room...tell her that if she cleans her room then she can have dinner..if she doesnt then she doesnt get any dinner and will stay their the whole night. I know this seems harsh but in order to make her behave you have to get her attention...so give her a harsh consequence to begin with and she will know not to cross you anymore...if she starts up on it tell her that if she wants to go to her room for the night again she should keep it up. Its strict but you cant go easy on them when they act that way.
I dont understand why you think sending a child to bed with out dinner is worse then spanking them with a paddle? I was sent to bed without dinner, and belive me I stopped my behavior after that. I am not traumatized from it either, but if i were beat with a paddle thats a different story.
Okay so mabye instead of paddling and sending your daughter to bed without dinner you need to face the serious issues that are coming up with your girl. She is naughty with you because she cant be naughty to her dad or she gets a beating, she probably goes overkill on you because she is in essence being abused and your trying to stop it and shes venting her agression from being paddled onto you. SOunds like its a serious dynamic problem here and I dont know how your going to reason with your daughter, your probably afraid to dicipline her because she gets way to much of it from her dad, I suggest you talk to your husband and try and get him to stop paddling your daughter...it seems to complicated to me to just give an open awnser knowing the family dynamics. I feel for you good luck.
You paddle your daughter!! Seems kinda harsh for a 8 yr old. Don't get me wrong I've spanked my 3 yr old on a few occassions that warrented it (saftey, direct diobedience) but it was only 1 swat on the butt with an open hand. A paddle on the otther hand is a little extreme. Sounds like your husband is abusive
The main problem with children is how to live with them. The adult is the problem in child raising, not the child. A good, stable adult with love and tolerance in his heart is about the best therapy a child can have.
The main consideration in raising children is the problem of training them without breaking them. You want to raise your child in such a way that you don’t have to control him, so that he will be in full possession of himself at all times. Upon that depends his good behavior, his health, his sanity.
Children are not dogs. They can’t be trained like dogs are trained. They are not controllable items. They are, and let’s not overlook the point, men and women. A child is not a special species of animal distinct from man. A child is a man or a woman who has not attained full growth.
Any law which applies to the behavior of men and women applies to children.
How would you like to be pulled and hauled and ordered about and restrained from doing whatever you wanted to do? You’d resent it. The only reason a child “doesn’t” resent it is because he’s small. You’d half murder somebody who treated you, an adult, with the orders, contradiction and disrespect given to the average child. The child doesn’t strike back because he isn’t big enough. He gets your floor muddy, interrupts your nap, destroys the peace of the home instead. If he had equality with you in the matter of rights, he’d not ask for this “revenge.” This “revenge” is standard child behavior.
Self-determinism is that state of being wherein the individual can or cannot be controlled by his environment according to his own choice. In that state the individual has self-confidence in his control of the material universe and other people.
A child has a right to his self-determinism. You say that if he is not restrained from pulling things down on himself, running into the road, etc., etc., he’ll be hurt. What are you as an adult doing to make that child live in rooms or an environment where he can be hurt? The fault is yours, not his, if he breaks things.
The sweetness and love of a child is preserved only so long as he can exert his own self-determinism. You interrupt that and to a degree you interrupt his life.
There are only two reasons why a child’s right to decide for himself has to be interrupted – the fragility and danger of his environment and you. For you work out on him the things that were done to you, regardless of what you think.
There are two courses you can take. Give the child leeway in an environment he can’t hurt and which can’t badly hurt him and which doesn’t greatly restrict his own space and time. And through Scientology services, you can clean up your own aberrations (departures from rational thought or behavior) to a point where your tolerance equals or surpasses his lack of education in how to please you.
When you give a child something, it’s his. It’s not still yours. Clothes, toys, quarters, what he has been given, must remain under his exclusive control. So he tears up his shirt, wrecks his bed, breaks his fire engine. It’s none of your business. How would you like to have somebody give you a Christmas present and then tell you, day after day thereafter, what you are to do with it and even punish you if you failed to care for it the way the donor thinks you should? You’d wreck that donor and ruin that present. You know you would. The child wrecks your nerves when you do it to him. That’s revenge. He cries. He pesters you. He breaks your things. He “accidentally” spills his milk. And he wrecks the possession on purpose about which he is so often cautioned. Why? Because he is fighting for his own self-determinism, his own right to own and make his weight felt on his environment. This “possession” is another channel by which he can be controlled. So he has to fight the possession and the controller.
Doubtless, some people were so poorly raised they think control is the ne plus ultra (highest point) of child raising. If you want to control your child, simply break him into complete apathy and he’ll be as obedient as any hypnotized half-wit. If you want to know how to control him, get a book on dog training, name the child Rex and teach him first to “fetch” and then to “sit up” and then to bark for his food. You can train a child that way. Sure you can. But it’s your hard luck if he turns out to be a blood-letter (a person who causes bloodshed).
Of course, you’ll have a hard time of it. This is a human being. It will be tough because man became king of the beasts only because he couldn’t as a species be licked. He doesn’t easily go into an obedient apathy like dogs do. Men own dogs because men are self-determined and dogs aren’t.
The reason people started to confuse children with dogs and started training children with force lies in the field of psychology. The psychologist worked on “principles” as follows:
“Man is evil.”
“Man must be trained into being a social animal.”
“Man must adapt to his environment.”
As these postulates aren’t true, psychology doesn’t work. And if you ever saw a wreck, it’s the child of a professional psychologist. Attention to the world around us instead of to texts somebody thought up after reading somebody’s texts, shows us the fallacy of these postulates.
The actuality is quite opposite the previous beliefs.
The truth lies in this direction:
Man is basically good.
Only by severe aberration can man be made evil. Severe training drives him into nonsociability.
Man must retain his personal ability to adapt his environment to him to remain sane.
A man is as sane and safe as he is self-determined.
In raising your child, you must avoid “training” him into a social animal. Your child begins by being more sociable, more dignified than you are. In a relatively short time the treatment he gets so checks him that he revolts. This revolt can be intensified until he is a terror to have around. He will be noisy, thoughtless, careless of possessions, unclean-anything, in short, which will annoy you. Train him, control him and you’ll lose his love. You’ve lost the child forever that you seek to control and own.
Permit a child to sit on your lap. He’ll sit there, contented. Now put your arms around him and constrain him to sit there. Do this even though he wasn’t even trying to leave. Instantly, he’ll squirm. He’ll fight to get away from you. He’ll get angry. He’ll cry. Recall now, he was happy before you started to hold him.
Your efforts to mold, train, control this child in general react on him exactly like trying to hold him on your lap.
Of course you will have difficulty if this child of yours has already been trained, controlled, ordered about, denied his own possessions. In mid-flight, you change your tactics. You try to give him his freedom. He’s so suspicious of you he will have a terrible time trying to adjust. The transition period will be terrible. But at the end of it you’ll have a well-ordered, well-trained, social child, thoughtful of you and, very important to you, a child who loves you.
The child who is under constraint, shepherded, handled, controlled, has a very bad anxiety postulated. His parents are survival entities. They mean food, clothing, shelter, affection. This means he wants to be near them. He wants to love them, naturally, being their child.
But on the other hand his parents are nonsurvival entities. His whole being and life depend upon his rights to use his own decision about his movements and his possessions and his body. Parents seek to interrupt this out of the mistaken idea that a child is an idiot who won’t learn unless “controlled.” So he has to fight shy, to fight against, to annoy and harass an enemy.
The answers post by the user, for information only, FeelBaby.com does not guarantee the right.