Working moms/dads only please . . . I think my man just doesn't think about the stupid things he says to me
He actually said to me that I could always be a better mother to our daughter if I'm with her more. I've told him that it's the QUALITY not the QUANTITY of our time together that really matters. He's basically saying if a person is a bad parent that by spending more time with their kids they'll majically become the best mommy/daddy.
I'm so pissed at him for saying this to me. All you working mom's out there know my guilt for not being with my baby all day everyday and the guilt when I miss work to care for my family. How can I make him understand me?
Answer:
You are supporting your family... so nothing is wrong about that. Now if you don't have to work the extra time, after your vacation comes around, then I wouldn't. But it sounds like you want to be with your baby every second you get... so nothing seems wrong with that. I'd love to be at home all day every day with my son, but I have to work weekends (my husband works all the time), so we can support our baby. You are only doing this so you can get a nice vacation with your family - again, i see nothing wrong with that.
Don't stress... just enjoy the time you get with your loved ones. I just had two family members die in a horrible car accident.. so I try to cherish every second I get with all family and friends.
"Live, Love, Laugh" that's what I go by!
Goodluck.
That is a terrible thing to say to the mother of your child. You should tell him that will not be tolerated and you are doing the best you know how to do.
You can't make him understand you. You can give him your point of view, which in my opinion is perfectly correct. Quality is more important than Quantity in most things. Even a mom who blessed enough to be able to stay at home with her kids can't spend every second with them. Chores have to be done. Errands have to be run. If you are a single working parent, you have to do those plus hold a extra (being a parent is the main job)paying job.
We get to see our kids before and after work and on the weekends. During that time we cram as much together time as we can. Cuddles instead of laundry. Stories and play instead of TV. We don't love our children less nor are we less effective parents because we have to work.
I have to laugh about your partner saying stupid things. I tell mine he suffers from hoof and mouth disease. He would sound a lot better without the foot constantly in him mouth. Sometimes people, men and women alike, don't think before they start talking.
What he said is true.
And if he spent more time with her then he would be a better Dad.
What you want him to say that it is ok for you to choose work over your baby. Evidently it is not ok or else you wouldn't feel this way.
Tell him that you feel guilty for not being the best Mom you can and that him reminding you of that hurts.
Spending more time with a baby doesn't magically make you the BEST Mom or Dad. You learn how to be a BETTER parent by spending more time with your baby. The Quality and Quantity arguement is something we use to justify our decisions. Face it you have made a choice to have a certain lifestyle and a baby. If that is a problem then one of the 2 (lifestyle or baby) must miss out. You must decide how much each one misses out. Every working parent is in the same boat you and I are in. It isn't easy but then nobody promised it would be. You are trying to be a good parent or else you wouldn't feel guilty about leaving your baby. You also have personal interests pulling you away. This is something you will battle for the next 18 years.
Good luck with your decision and your battle.
tell him to go out and make more money so you wouldn't have to work more.....and it is quality not quanitity with kids
Hello, My husband is a full time student, and I work close to 50 hours a week. So, my husband is home with our son the majority of the time, but I try to be there when I can. If I ever pick up an extra shift at work my husband will give me a guilt trip for working! So, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Normally what I will do is just put him in his place, and say you know, I don't see you doing anything extra (Like working a little over time so that we can go on vacation together) to help this family. That usually makes him shut up.But you are totally right for being angry
The concept of "quality time" is a fundamentally bankrupt excuse to justify not spending time with a child. Far and away the best way to parent is to spend as much time as you can with your little one. Only then can you get in touch with the many rhythms of their personalities, apply yourself consistently through tantrums and tickle sessions and learn how to do the extremely difficult job of parenting better. There are no short cuts in the parenting equation.
At the same time, I agree with c505ber that your husband is being entirely unfair to you and is setting a double standard. You BOTH should live by the same rules of time spent with the baby. You're working extra hours for the family, for him and the baby and not just for yourself; point that out. I must tell you, though, that this exchange/dispute, of who is carrying the greater load and who is not being a good parent, is a fight that you will have perpetually unless you set the ground rules now. My experience is far different than yours but my wife and I have fought over this issue many times in the 4 1/2 years since our twins arrived. Right now we have a truce, which is the best you can hope for at this stage. Stand your ground, make your point, get over it and get back to spending time with your baby. Everyone will tell you that the first 18 months fly by, and they will so enjoy it while you can.
YOU MIGHT LET HIM KNOW THAT STATISTICS SHOW THAT WHEN YOUR A STAY AT HOME MOM YOUR KIDS GET INTO TROUBLE MORE, HAVE MORE BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS AND (THE BIGGEST OF ALL) ARE PHYSICALLY ABUSED MORE. KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THEM, JUST ALOT OF TIME. MOMS GET BORED STAYING HOME AND HAVING TO ENTERTAIN THERE TODDLERS THAT THEY TURN TO THE TV TO BABYSIT THERE KIDS(AS TODDLERS) AND AS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE KIDS THEIR NEW BABYSITTER IS VIDEO GAMES. I TRIED TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM AND JUST ABOUT WENT CRAZY, AND IT WAS;NT DOING MY KIDS ANY GOOD. BUT WITH LESS TIME TO SPEND WITH THEM I MADE SURE IT WAS GOOD HEALTHY NURTURING TIME, NOT TV TIME. SO DON;T LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT AND ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD(EVEN THOUGH HE'S BENEFIT TING FROM YOUR WORKING EXTRA) MAYBE YOUR WORKING MORE IS THREATENING HIS MAN-HOOD, IF SO TELL HIM TO GET OVER HIMSELF!!!
I don't believe YOU can make him understand YOU. You need somebody else to help him to understand, like a mediator or counsellor somebody who can see it from both sides and dosen't have a family influence. I have the same sort of dissagreements with my partner the thing is that you need to know what is important to you. If family is important to you then talk to your man and discuss these things with him. Nothing is going to get resolved straight away but you need to understand him the same way he needs to understand you, which is quite difficult seeing as we are female and they are male. I personally reccomend marriage counselling because it helps to open the communication pathways. And it's not that expensive phone up and get quotes you'll be surprised. I'll admit I felt like a moron doing it but we are better off as a family for it.
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